A Primer on How to Drive in Dallas

Yeah, he's from Dallas.

One of the biggest changes I've undergone in Texas was learning to drive in cities like Dallas. My first few days of hour-long commuting, I hated every driver in Dallas. After a week or so, things got easier. And it was then that I realized, I had become... one of them! So, here's a few pointers on how to drive in Dallas:

1. Signaling: Blinkers are a sign of weakness. If you use them, you will be cut off.
2. Tail-Gating: Is the traffic in front of you going too slow? Try this - get as close as you can to the car in front of you. Then, stay there. Congratulations. The car is now speeding up or getting out of your way.
3. Cell Phones: Driving on the highway is the BEST time to call that friend you've missed! Or, why not just text them? After all, it's easier
4. On-Ramps: When entering an on-ramp, press the accelerator to the floor. Studies have shown that entering a Dallas highway is about as hard as a jet launching from a carrier.
5. Bikes: It is a myth that bikers have the right of way on roads. Teach them a lesson by driving by them at a high speed. Same goes for pedestrians.
6. Brakes: You may have heard that 'easing' onto the brakes is the best way. But that is false. When traffic is slowing down, slam that brake pedal! The people behind you will just have to deal.
7. Trucks: Remember when you see the over sized, lift-kit fitted, dinosaur-sized truck - the driver is simply overcompensating. Take pity.
8. Speed Limit: Look at the speed limit sign. Follow this guide:
• Right Lane Speed = Limit - 10,
• Center Lane Speed = Limit +10,
• Left Lane Speed is incalculable as it approaches infinity.
9. HOV Lane: What is that very left lane for? HOV who? I'm not sure what you've heard, but this is actually an extra lane for when traffic is stuck! Just hop in there anytime you feel like it!
10. Honking: It has been proven that Dallas drivers do not have the ability to hear car horns.
11. Highways: Someone dies every day on 635 and I-35. Do not be that person.
12. Stop Signs: You can go first by staring down the other drivers!
13. School Zones: The speed limit says 20 - but Dallas law requires you to go 10 mph OR 40 mph. Nowhere in-between.
14. Accidents: Did you just see an accident? Don't stop! Just slow down a lot so that others can look too.
15. Friendliness: When you wave someone to go in front of you, you've just marked yourself as a push-over to all the other drivers. They're going to go in as well.
16. Traffic Jams: Scientists are mystified by an anomaly in traffic jams: Time actually comes to a stop! They are currently trying to use this to slow down nuclear half-lives.
17. Car Maintenance: Why pay that auto store lots of cash, when duct tape will suffice?
18. Gas Prices: Search google for "syphoning tips".
19. Motorcycles: If you are riding a motorcycle in Dallas, you need to see a psychologist about your suicidal tendencies.
20. Pace: The best way to drive is to keep varying your speed. Speed up, slow down. This will keep the other drivers from predicting your path. And that means "winning".
21. Parking: 'Compacts only' is really a suggestion. Triple-park that beast!