Continuing the story . . .
After the traumatic car ride home, I was scrambling for some solid ground. I was in a storm of doubts, fears and insecurities. . .
They raced through my mind - "If medicine isn't my passion, then what is? Have I been going the wrong way all along? If not medicine, then what? I need to know! What should I do? Where should I go?"
But there was also another factor: my pride. I had come all this way, tried so hard - could I just walk away? What would people think? I had invested a lot here, and didn't know if I could let myself turn back.
In times like these, what we rely on comes to the surface. Where do we go? Where do we turn?
----- | | | -----
Hours after 'the realization,' I already had a plan. It was so simple - if I wasn't passionate about medicine, then all I had to do was find something that lined up with the passions I knew.
The answer? Computers.
Yes, I decided I was going into computer programming - you know, learning code and stuff. I based this on my passions - I knew I enjoyed solving problems and creating systems. Plus, a less strenuous job would allow me to be more involved in a church, community, etc. That was it - all my fears were solved.
It sounded so good. That night, I even talked it through with my parents. I remember saying things like, "I think I just ended up in the wrong field. The passions that led me towards medicine overlap with the ones in programming."
I went to work the next morning, decided on my new path. But as the day went on, I went back and forth between continuing to medicine and switching to Comp Sci. My head was a swamp of thoughts and it had been working overtime since my passions came into question. I was still stuck.
----- | | | -----
There was a major problem in my thinking. And I couldn't see it.
My head was spinning from a torrent of hidden doubts and fears. I had simply latched onto a plan because at least it was some direction. I was not thinking clearly at all. I couldn't trust myself; I was distressed, and irrational. So how could I help myself?
The tough answer was: I couldn't.
When things came crashing down, the first thing I tried to do was fix it all myself. My lesson here was that not every problem can be conquered alone. And a lot of problems shouldn't be. It's easy to see now, but I easily forget this in the midst of things.
So, I hadn't fixed anything alone. In fact, things were looking worse! All of those fears just kept circling. I was flip-flopping between two career paths. And now I couldn't even trust my own mind!
It was
all
spiralling
downhill. . .
I realized I could not save myself. So, I turned to something else. Something I learned to treasure during the Forge. . .
but that's for the next post.
CRaSH is a short series of lessons learned from a time of deep struggle in my life. View all posts here.
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