My C.R.a.S.H. (Part II): A Hidden Problem

"There is meaning in every journey that is unknown to the traveler."
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer 

I'm always amazed how quickly our lives can go from peaceful to painful.  A lot can change in an instant. This is how this 'crash' began:

Things were spectacular.  It was a bright, Sunday afternoon and I was riding home to Dallas.  That weekend, I had met with the majority of my Forge class to celebrate and send off two of us going into the Army.  I got to see many faces and catch up with these uber-close friends.  That Sunday morning, we had a hearty breakfast together, and just enjoyed each other's company fully.  

So, as I rode home, I was still surfing on the weekend's high.  And then, out of my empty, blissful little mind comes the thought: "I am not passionate about medicine." What?! Where did that come from?!  

To describe exactly what happened in my mind just then is what I imagine a ship's "Full Stop" would be.  (You've seen Titanic, right?)  "Stop the engines!" , "shut 'er down!"  That's what happened to my brain.  

But, the most devastating part was that I knew it was true.  "I'm not passionate about medicine," I thought.  

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Now, looking back, I know where this thought came from.  You see, it wasn't the first time it had been through my mind.  It wasn't even the second, third, or tenth...  

This was a doubt I had for years.  It had battered me as soon as I began to pursue a career in medicine.  And it wasn't the only one.  But, each time a doubt came up, I simply hid it.  I banished it from my thoughts.  Then, I hid it from people I talked with, and even over-sold my confidence in going into medicine -"Out of sight, out of mind."

And so, this is the first thing I learned from this ordeal: Hiding fears, doubts or insecurities from yourself or others is simply stupid.  

Why? 

• These problems and insecurities never go away.  I pushed this fear down for 3 years!  Yet, after all this time, nothing had changed since college.  I had never worked my way through it.
• If kept hidden, no one can help you. 
• After sharing something that was hidden, it loses it's power.  For me, I realized I had to talk to people about this.  And, once I did, I was able to look at things more clearly, and deal with the doubt.

So, don't hide doubts, fears or sins.  Share them!  That's when some real progress can be made!

The story continues. . .

CRaSH is a short series of lessons learned from a time of deep struggle in my life.  View all posts here.