(So, maybe that last post was a little misleading. I mean, what was the 'answer'? Should I keep going on with medicine?! Well, you're in luck, because that will be answered now.)
So, let's look at what just happened. It started with some doubts I had for a long time which finally surfaced - "Do I really want to be doing this?", "Is medicine my passion?", "Have I just been going along this whole time?" Then, things got bad. I was going crazy trying to roll up my sleeves and figure this out alone. When that didn't work, I talked with my community, and finally, God.
In this struggle, the real problem was unearthed: I was finding too much of my identity in what I did. When I didn't know what I would be doing career-wise, I crumbled away. Too much of my satisfaction was found in what I was doing. My whole self was relying on this pillar, and that pillar was crushed.
Who do I believe did this crushing? Well, I believe that God did. Why would a good God do that?
I'll show you.
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(Note: You should know that everything in this series happened in a span of five days. Two days after things finally settled our story picks up.)
I had a phone meeting with a certain medical school to discuss last year's application. (The meeting was set before these doubts showed up.) I called the school and was put on hold. Then, I realized I was actually going to be talking with the Dean of Admissions! No pressure, right?
But then something amazing happened. As I talked with him through my application, we started to click. Once he found out that I was re-applying as a Texas resident, he encouraged me! Moreover, he told me that we should keep in touch and that he would be willing to look over my application before I sent it off! The icing on the cake was this - he told me to let him know when I sent it off, and that he would go and look for it! How as this happening?! This was the Dean of Admissions!
Now, I didn't go into this conversation trying to butter anybody up or even 'get my name out there.' Still, something amazing had happened. If it wasn't me, how did this happen? Maybe the dean was just a nice guy, but I believe God had all of this planned out.
He had just crushed my dependency for satisfaction in myself and my career, and now, 48 hours later, He was blessing me beyond belief!
(FYI to answer all those wondering - I'm going to continue with medicine because I think God is clearing that way for me. But, unlike before, it's on the table as an option, not a "known". If I feel lead somewhere else, I'm ready to drop it. But, like I said, right now it seems as if God has blessed me here.)
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And so, that's the big, final lesson I learned from all of this. God wants to crush those areas we cling to, and then bless us. He brought me through this time of struggle because He loves me as a son:
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,He found an area of my life where I was shutting Him out, so He pushed me a little, and I fell apart. Then, once I realized my absolute need and dependency on Him in this area, He brought a little of His kingdom here on earth - a blessing. Jesus told us:
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? -- Hebrews 12:5-7
“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" -- Matthew 7:9-11Now, I'm not promising you anything. God isn't going to bless us all with corvettes and mansions. He only works according to His will (which, could include corvettes and mansions I guess).
If there are areas of your life where you are pushing God out - beware! He will find them, and He will crush them. Not because He isn't good, but because He loves us.
We read that one day, "every knee will bow. . . every tongue will acknowledge God." So, by choosing to follow His ways now, we're just getting a head start on the inevitable. We can choose to acknowledge Him and His ways now, and be a part of His kingdom now; or we could wait it out, and miss out on all the goodness God desires to bring to his people! Find those places where we are relying on ourselves and destroy them!
So this is the choice we're left with: Be crushed now or later. Become an adopted son and see God's kingdom realized here, or continue to be a 'god', building pillars that can't support the weight.
Your choice - for now.
CRaSH is a short series of lessons learned from a time of deep struggle in my life. View all posts here.
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