Honest Thinkings.

No, you read the time correctly. It's late. I couldn't sleep. I tried, but I ended up getting some apple juice and taking a shower. I'm going to take some sunrise pictures with some friends at 6, so why sleep?

Now, you get to hear my thoughts (beware, they don't have much conclusion... they just are)

(1)I've been worrying about something semi-random. When I leave Rolla, will I have anyone to keep in touch with? And, I mean really keep in touch with, someone I could visit or call when I can't sleep? There's not very many people from high school I still talk to. I hope it's different when I leave here.

It's gonna be weird to be in my "final year" of college next year (except for med. school). All the awesome people I met when I came here will be gone. I guess it'll be up to me to be the new awesome guy. I guess I'll have to be mature or something... And, Mark will only be here half a year. Heck, he'll be married this time next year... crazy.

But, I've been worried. I've tried to come out of the CCH shell of internet, movies and video games to connect with people, but it seems like that's where everyone else is. It's like I came out of my cave to find everyone having a party in another. It's lonely.

(2) Can I quit it all and be a photographer? It would be so much easier.

Funny story. A few days ago, I got an email from a lady who goes to Vineyard. She was asking me if I wanted to take pictures for her wedding! ME! I felt I was completely unprepared for such a thing. But, then I was thinking... gotta start somewhere. I would have done it. Unfortunately, her wedding is on the day I take the MCAT! Med school's already getting in the way of my fun...

(3) *Deep stuff ahead*
SERVICE
So, I've had a few service opportunities in the past week, and I've definitely found some encouragement. Tuesday, our gel group handed out refreshments to random people at the Multi. It was awkward for a while. I hoped people wouldn't ask us why we were handing stuff out. I didn't want to explain to them how Jesus served and told us to look out for each other. What if they laugh, even on the inside?

But, after a few encounters, it was kind of fun. People responded positively. Apparently, it just takes a little confidence to get people comfortable.

Then, today I was helping with the blood drive, and they asked me to hand out fliers. Yuck, I hate it when people throw those things at me... Anyways, I learned a valuable lesson, so get your pens ready.

See, I thought approaching people was only weird bc I did it in Christian service projects, where God was involved. Trust me, the feeling is universal. But, if people reject you, they aren't really rejecting you, they're rejecting what you represent.

I'm sure there's a verse like that in the Bible, but I surely understood this today. After this realization, it was kind of fun to approach people with the fliers. They were more uncomfortable than I was! And, they came up with the lamest excuses. Once I saw that they really just didn't want to give blood, I wasn't afraid to talk to people and try to convince them otherwise. So, take heart and have confidence when speaking to people about God. They may reject Him and His grace, but not you or your faults.

(Now, I was thinking about this today too- they are rejecting you IF you really believe in the message. I feel rejected when people reject God only because they are disagreeing with a large part of my belief system.)

(4) I know I had another point... Oh yes... WHY CAN'T WE EVER BE COMPLETELY HONEST?
I get tired of faking happiness. The next time someone asks, "How's it going?" I may just answer them honestly. "I'm pretty stressed about this or that." or "Man, this situation is kind of depressing" etc.

I don't like to be honest with people because being totally real brings me closer to people. Then, they may want my time or help or money or something. That sneaky word... commitment! *Gasp*

It bothers me in other ways too, not only in conversation. You've heard the advice - "smiling is contagious, it makes you and others happy" Well, there may be some truth to that, but why fake a smile if you're having a crappy day? Or laugh at a joke you don't get. I do it just to fit in. Stupid Pride...

Well, it's 4:30. I'm gonna go read or think or write or who knows what for a few hours. I hope you enjoyed my unfiltered thoughts (the filter turns off around midnight). I hope I don't regret this later... no, I won't. These are my honest thinkings.

b ryce

PS I had a dream today that I bought a MacBook. Best dream ever.